(If you are only interested in reading the examples, skip to the next message box (floor 2))

(If you are interested only in 同学作业改寫实习,请进第 2, 10, and 17+onward 楼*)

   Rewriting has long been a tool for English teachers in high schools, as well as colleges and universities in English speaking countries as a tool for improving writing skills.
  There are two forms of rewriting. The first one is to improve on a poorly written piece, either that of your own, or someone else’s. The emphasis is in using the more appropriate words and phrases, and making the presentation less wordy. (For more about wordiness, search with google, or read: Stylistic Concerns: How to write well. http://www.rainlane.com/dispbbs.asp?BoardID=8&ID=13605 )
The second is to take a well-written piece and try to rewrite it in your own word. Seldom would one be able to improve on the professionally written piece, but one is forced to think of alternate words and phrases when doing so.
  When we were students in Hong Kong, one component of the English Exam in the High School Leaving Certificate of Education (known as the School Cert) was précis writing. Students have to read an essay of approximately 500 words and write a précis of about 150 words. This is another form of rewriting.

I am going to present several different examples of rewriting. If you have a piece of composition you would like me to use as an example, leave a message in my mailbox. I will look it over to see if it can be used. Please keep in mind that this involves having your word dissected in public.
  Before I start, I like to reiterate that I am not an expert. All I am trying to do is to pass on to you some of my experiences, be it good or bad. Feel free to correct me on any on my mistakes. I am not a grammar expert and I make just as many mistakes as the next person.
  The Yeti, Dec 19th, 2005, written for the http://bbs.diandian.net

Example I is in the next message.(Next floor)
Reference Materials for this thread: 此线上的内容， 引用及参考出自:
金陵教授 英文作文：改寫與仿作  http://www.ep66.com.tw/R&W.htm

Start writing now第 6 and 7 楼
http://www.rainlane.com/dispbbs.asp?BoardID=8&ID=10890
 
Paraphrasing and rewriting exercise
http://www.bilinguist.com/data/hy03/messages/130955.html#130981
 
Paraphrasing
http://owl.english.purdue.edu/handouts/print/research/r_paraphr.html
 
For more rewriting exercises, and what other people have done, see:
http://www.rainlane.com/dispbbs.asp?boardID=8&ID=17580&page=1
 

(To be continued…未完代续)

Xinzhu has gracious agree to allow me to use her essay for Example I/FONT>

( xinzhu第 11 楼http://bbs.diandian.net/dispbbs.asp?boardid=110&replyid=650642&id=55357&page=1&skin=0&Star=2 不过好像一不小心字数超了，要求160，我这个有250了吧，看来还需要减少一些内容才好。)

There is no need to sacrifice content (不用减少一些内容才好) I will try to keep all the points brought up by her article but to rewrite them more compactly.

Original/STRONG>

Should college students take part-time jobs?

    Nowadays, there is a discussion about part-time jobs. It is certain that whether college students should take part-time jobs or not has become a matter of concern.

    Those who maintain that college students should take part-time jobs emphisize the privileges which appealed to college students. Firstly, as is known to all, part-time jobs can bring financial benefits. What amazes us most is a lot of students earn money by private tutoring. Further more, we can also gain some social experiences besides money, and these experiences may lay a firm foundation for our future careers. It is true that the graduates who have working experiences is somehow superior to those who rarely has in job-hunting.

    In contrast, the objectors think that college students shouldn’t take part-time jobs. They argue that the opinion above extols the benefits only, but fails to mention that countless students sacrifice too much time for the poor income on part-time jobs. And it is even worse that we may not have enough time to study if we spend so much time in doing part-time jobs.

    As to me, I am of the opinion that it is vital to cope with the relationship between part-time jobs and our academic studies. After all, few things could be more important than study for a student. We can do some part-time jobs in the case of nor is a bad influence on our studies. Only in this way can we actually have a significient college life.

==

Rewritten/STRONG>

The question of whether college students should take part-time jobs has become a matter of concern and heated debate.

  Those who concur emphasize positive aspects such as monetary reward and work experience. A lot of students earn money by giving private tutoring, and that allows them to gain social experience as well. Few would disagree that when it comes to looking for a job, graduates with work experience have an edge over those who don’t.

  Those who disagree argue that the meagre income from part-time jobs does not justify the time spent—precious time taken away from studies.

  For me, I believe that it is vital (to strike a balance)/(to properly juggle) between part-time jobs and academic pursuit. After all, for students, studying should override all other concerns. We should only do some part-time jobs if they do not interfere with our studies, and should also leave some time for social interaction and extracurricular activities. Only in this way can we have a meaningful college life.

==

***Once again, let me reiterate that I am not an English professor. I am merely sharing my experience with you. When you find mistakes, and I am sure there are plenty, let me know and we will try to fix them together. Thank you.***

  你若是有文章想把用来做改写例子，请留信息给我。我看看可否用。谢谢.

To be continued...

Examples II and III  are short paragraphs; both are written by established authors. Rewriting them challenges you to come up with alternate words and phrasing, or even different structures, to the sentences or paragraph. For those of you who are constantly hankering  for  转换词, the best way to force yourselves to come up with those is to do rewritings. A thesaurus (A book of synonyms and antonyms will definitely help. The Roget's Thesaurus was on our must-buy list when I took the first year composition course in undergrad in Canada. Nowadays, you can use free on-line Thesaurus.)

============================================================

  The following two rewrites are taken from a previous post at Rainlane.  http://www.rainlane.com/dispbbs.asp?BoardID=8&ID=10890 第 6 and 7 楼

Example II

Original Text/STRONG>
　Source/STRONG>　http://www.nytimes.com/2004/06/06/obituaries/06REAG.html?hp
　　

　　It was Mr. Reagan’s good fortune that during his time in office the Soviet Union was undergoing profound change, eventually to collapse, setting off a spirited debate over Mr. Reagan’s role in ending the cold war. His supporters argued that his tough policies were the coup de grâce and his detractors attributed the end to the accumulated influence of 45 years of the American policy of containment. But wherever the credit was due, the thaw came on his watch.
　　

Rewrite/P>

  Perhaps it was pure luck that the Soviet Union was in the process a great shift in political direction --which led to its dissolution-- when Reagan took office. Historians will debate over whether Reagan played a significant role in bringing the cold war to an end. Supporters will no doubt credit that to Reagan’s unyielding stance but skeptics will argue that it was an inevitable process resulting from America’s close to five decades of containment of the Soviet expansion. But whatever the conclusion may be, one thing is clear, the thaw in the relationship between the two great powers came during Reagan’s tenure.

Read the two carefully and see how words and phrases are replaced. E.g. good fortune--> pure luck; collapse-->dissolution...and so on.

(Example III is below.)

谢谢前辈!

Example III/P>

Original Text/P>

　

　

http://www-2.cs.cmu.edu/~spok/grimmtmp/007.txt
　　There were once upon a time a king and a queen who lived
　　happily together and had twelve children, but they were
　　all boys. Then said the king to his wife, if the thirteenth
　　child which you are about to bring into the world, is a girl, the twelve boys shall die, in order that her possessions may be great, and that the kingdom may fall to her alone. He even caused twelve coffins to be made, which were already filled with shavings, and in each lay a little death pillow, and he had them taken into a locked-up room, and then he gave the queen the key of it, and bade her not to speak of this to anyone.

　　
　　Rewrite/STRONG>
　　 Once upon a time there were a happily married king and queen with twelve sons. One day the king said to his wife : “ If the next child is a girl, all the twelve boys will die so the princess will inherit everything and become the sovereign of the realm.”
　　The king went as far as to have twelve coffins made with all the trimmings in them. These were stored in a locked room and the key was given to the queen for safekeeping. She was ask never to mention this to anyone.

(To be continued…未完代续)

This set of rewrite is a bit difficult. For one thing, many of them are short sentences, leaving very little room to maneuver. Secondly, there are many quotes in them, and you cannot alter a quote.

Source: http://www.bilinguist.com/data/hy03/messages/130955.html#130981

jennylearnstowalk 于 2005/02/19 01:14:24 发表在 汉英03

and 作者(Author)：Yeti - 2005/02/19 20:14:36 ***

Original text:  #1. In a country that can argue endlessly about such royal minutiae as whether it is appropriate for the queen to keep her breakfast cereal in plastic containers, a backlash against the second marriage of Charles, the Prince of Wales, is well under way.
Rewritten by Jennylearnstowalk: #1（（（Britain is a country where daily trifles of the royal family can be intriguing topics to its citizens; the one like whether it is appropriate for the queen to place her breakfast cereal in plastic containers can cause a marathon debate. A flood of criticism towards Prince Charles’ remarriage, as one might expect, is now sweeping across the country.）））
Rewritten byYeti: #I.  Britain, a country where daily trifles of the royal family, such as whether the Queen should use plastic container to keep her breakfast cereal, is witnessing a growing tide of negative sentiment towards the remarriage of Charles, the Prince of Wales. }
--------------------------------------------

2. Whether the couple will win acceptance with their subjects remains to be seen. But one thing is certain: for Charles, it will not be anything like the first time.
J/FONT>（（（Will the altar-bound couple be accepted by the public? It is yet to be known. But one thing is for sure: For Charles, this time everything is so different.）））
Y: II :  The jury is still out on whether this union will be accepted by the Public. For Charles, there is little doubt that the pomp will not be anywhere near the first time.

3. "Boring Old Gits to Wed" was how The Star announced the news last week- the other "old git" in the headline being Charles's fiancée, Camilla Parker Bowles. "What is there to celebrate?" asked Amanda Platell in The Daily Mail. "That a 56-year-old man has finally married his mistress?"
J/FONT>（（（Last week, Charles’ decision was taunted as “Boring Old Gits to wed” in the headline of The Star, with his fiancée Camilla Parker Bowles sharing the title of the other “old git”. Amanda Platell questioned in The Daily Mail, “What is there for us to be applauded? A 56-year-old man has finally fulfilled his wish of marrying his mistress?”）））
Y: III  Last week, Charles and Camilla were taunted as “Boring old Gits” in the headline of the Star, and Amanda Platell of the Daily Mail openly questioned the need for celebrating a 56-year-old man marrying his mistress.}

--

4. Britons have various reasons for their misgivings about the wedding, which is to take place April 8. Some feel that Charles, who cheated on his first wife, Diana, with Mrs. Parker Bowles, does not deserve to live happily ever after with the woman they regard as the agent of Diana's distress. Others simply object on general principle to Mrs. Parker Bowles, who has long been cast as the wicked stepmother in the ruined royal fairy tale. Still others simply wish the royal family would go away and stop bothering everyone.
J/FONT>（（（Britons have many reasons to worry about the wedding to be held April 8. Some people think the relationship between Charles and Mrs. Parker shouldn’t be blessed for he was disloyal to Diana, his ex-wife, whose distress allegedly originated from his extra-martial affair with Mrs. Parker---the other woman. Others’ aversion to Mrs. Parker arises from their general belief as she has been portrayed as the wicked woman who sets eyes on that role after destroying the royal fairy tale. The rest are simply getting tired of this sort of event and wish to hear no more.）））
Y: IV : Britain is abounded with uneasiness about the April 8th wedding. Should Charles the adulterer be blessed with matrimonial bliss? Or, as a matter of principle, Camilla, the royal home wrecker, should never get her wish. Others have had enough of the royal family and wish they would just fade away.

5. "Why should these meaningless people be embedded in our national imagination?" wrote Polly Toynbee, a columnist with The Guardian. "Ludicrous and grotesque for the wretched royal performers and their subjects alike, this is the least dignified of all state institutions."
J/FONT>（（（Polly Toynbee, a columnist with The Guardian was not stingy with his bitter remarks, “Why should we let these people be the focus of our attention and go all the way to speculate everything that happened to them? This is weird and ridiculous with royal performers clowning around and their subjects being manic. This is completely undignified.”）））

Y: V: (I avoid using any direct quote until I got to the very end)
The Guardian columnist, Polly Tonybee, questioned about why Britons should be captivated by such frivolous bores , criticized them for the absurdity of their action and branded the royal family as : “ the least dignified of all state institutions”

6. At first the queen seemed almost giddy with joy, at least by her modest emotional standards. "We're very happy," her office said in a statement on the day the engagement was announced. But since then, the queen has appeared intent - if you believe the popular press - on controlling the wedding plans, even if it means overriding her son's wishes.
J/FONT>（（（In many tabloids, story goes like this: At the beginning the queen appeared overjoyed despite her modest way of expressing her feelings. “We’re very happy.” her office said in a statement released on the day the engagement was proclaimed. But soon after, the queen became fixated on the wedding plans, which might lead to trespass her son’s wishes. Only if you buy the story.）））

Y: VI: In many tabloids, an overjoyed queen was quoted in an immediate press release as saying: “We’re very happy.” Rumors has it that she is out to wrestle the control of the wedding plans from ( the hands of) her son.

7. In normal family weddings, the role of older-generation wedding irritant is rightfully claimed by the mother of the bride, who exercises her natural-born duty to challenge everything from the size of the guest list to the color of the trim on the bridesmaids' sashes. But this is not a normal family, and the queen - who is to be host at the reception, at Windsor Castle - outranks anyone she feels like outranking.
J/FONT>（（（As in an ordinary family, the mother of the bride has every right to pick on everything including the number of the guests as well as the bridemaids’apparel. But here we have a royal family. Windsor Castle is the place and the queen, the most predominant figure, is the host at the reception.）））

Y: VII: Unlike the mother of a bride in a normal/ordinary family who has the prerogative of determining whom to invite and what the bridal party should wear, the Queen, hostess of the reception at Windsor Castle, can override anyone’s decision as she so pleases. (I have a feeling I have certain grammatical inconsistencies somewhere in there.)
--
8. According to Trevor Kavanagh, The Sun's political editor and a man as knowledgeable as anyone when it comes to these matters (which isn't saying a lot), Elizabeth has nixed Charles's idea of having a romantic reception at "dozens of intimate candlelit round tables." Instead, The Sun reported, she wants a muted, stuffy dinner at "one long, formal rectangular table."
（（（“She snuffed out Charles’s plan of giving a romantic candlelit reception dinner and decided to replace it with a silent boring one. The table as she emphasized, should be long, formal and rectangular.” wrote The Sun’s political editor Trevor Kavanagh, a man who is quite an expert in these matters.）））

VIII, as mentioned above, I would replace the "decided to replace...silent..." with "...planned on having a low key/subdued traditional long table dinner. "

*No further examples until I come up with fresh material. Meanwhile, 你若是有文章想把用来做改写例子，请留信息给我。我看看可否用。谢谢. During the holiday season (Pre-Christmas to after New Year) I will be quite busy, as most North American families are.

To see how others practice rewriting: http://www.rainlane.com/dispbbs.asp?boardID=8&ID=17580&page=1>>

[此贴子已经被作者于2005-12-20 11:52:45编辑过]

The following is an example from the University of Oregon. a href="http://www.uoregon.edu/%7Edlpayne/dcourses/Writing.htm%C2%A0%C2%A0Writing" target="_blank" >http://www.uoregon.edu/~dlpayne/dcourses/Writing.htm 

Writing Tips, by Doris Payne * Department of Linguistics.

Quotebr>
3.  Good writing generally flows from OLD information to NEW
information.  If the order is reversed within sentences, the whole
paragraph may seem choppy.  Old information is what the reader already knows and currently has in mind. New information is what is brought into the discourse for the first time.



Original "bad" writingbr>
I have a really old car. The fan-belt of my car broke when was on my
way home.  My friend was having a birthday party.  It was 8:00 p.m.
last night when it started, but I was too late.  Lights were on in a
house by the side of the road.  I needed to make a phone call so I went
to the house....  To make a long story short, it ended up costing me
over $200.00.



Rewriting with the proper "flow": (See "3" above)

I have a really old car
that often causes problems.  For example, last night my friend had a
birthday party.  I planned to be at the party, which started at 8:00
p.m., but I was too late for it.  I was late because, while on the way
home, the car's fan-belt broke.  Fortunately, it broke near where there
was a house with lights on.  So, I went to the house to make a phone
call... To make a long story short, that old fan-belt ended up costing
me over $200.00.

===

There is a detailed analysis of this paragraph on that Web Page. I
tried copying it over, but the formatting makes it difficult to read. I
highly recommend all of you to go and read the analysis: it is very
good.

--

 

I am also reproducing the part of the article dealing with incorrect
sentences--YES many native speakers have problems with their writing
skills. That's why there are so many remedial English classes in
English universities. That is also why I constantly reminding people to
be careful of what you might pick up in a chat room. You don't
always "learn proper English" by talkiing to just anyone.

 

When you look down the list, you will see many of those mistakes are frequently made by Chinese students as well.

 

EXAMPLES
1'. Differences such as the Jutes and the Picts versus the Celts.    (lacks a verb)
1.  The Jutes and the Picts differed from the Celts.

 

2'. Many linguists rejecting the Nostratic theory.   (verb is not inflected for tense/aspect)
2.  Many linguists reject the Nostratic theory.

 

3'. Their warriors gone like the warriors of ancient Europe. (verb is not inflected for tense/aspect)
3.  Their warriors have gone like the warriors of ancient Europe.

 

4.' Because this tree only grows north of the River Elbe. (has an initial adverbial subordinator)
4.  This tree only grows north of the River Elbe.

 

5'. While the Romans were withdrawing from the far-reaches of their empire. (has an initial adverbial subordinator)
5. At that time the Romans were withdrawing from the far-reaches of their empire.

6'. That she is always late.   (initial complementizer that, and no main verb outside the subordinate clause introduced by that)

6'. That she disburbs me.    (no main verb outside the subordinate clause introduced by that)

6. That she is always late disturbs me. (The main verb is disturbs.)

前辈 新年快乐!!!

真诚期望更多的同学能克服浮躁心理,仔细地研究前辈的文章。

The following is a rewrite of the letter shown in the thread http://bbs.diandian.net/dispbbs.asp?boardID=2&ID=59582&page=1

A rewrite should not change the idea of the original author, but just to express what he/she has done in a different way. I have incorporated Mr.Ding’s corrections to that fellow’s letter into this rewrite.

May 15th 2005

Dear siro:p>

(Original)

(Your email that sent to me, and told me that I can go to your company to sign a working contract with you have been received by myself.)(Very sluggish. See “rewrite”) I am very glad to get your convictance, and I am grateful to you to give me such a good chance, but I am regretful to tell you that I can't accepted this job. The resons is as following.

-->

(Rewrite—keeping the ideas intact, but changing only the way it was written.)

Dear Sir, (Sir and Madam must be capitalized.)

(With mimimum change) I have received your email asking me to go and sign a work contract at your office. I am very glad to have received your job offer, and I am grateful to you for giving me such a good opportunity. With much regret, however, I must tell you I cannot accept your job offer. The reasons are as follows.

To begin with, I am a collage student that major in history, that I am good at is literatery and doing some research work. But your company is electronic factory. So I think I am not the best person to do this job. In addition, I think the saltery that you want to pay me is a bit fewer than I imagining before. And the last but not the least, I have find other job that match my interest and the payment is also well.

(Rewrite)

    I am a college student with a major in History, (Capitalized to show “History” as a subject.) and my competency is in literature and doing research in the humanities. Your business is in electronics manufacturing, so I don’t think I am the best person for the job. Moreover, the salary you are offering is a bit lower than I have expected. Besides, I have found another job that matches my qualification and the pay is also more reasonable.

Take into accound these reasons above, I finally decide declining the job your offer to me. I'm really very sorry to do this and I hope you and your company will have a good luck.(Sounds good, but actually not a good thing to say.)(1) God will bress you.

( Wishing someone good luck is different from wishing someone will have a good luck. The latter implies that you need “a good luck” to get you by. In other words, “the company” is not doing well, and will need “a good luck” to pull it through.)

-->

Having taken everything into consideration, I decided to decline your job offer. My best wishes go to you and your company. (Even in a Christian-centered country like the United States, putting in “May God bless you” at the end of a business letter is considered as corny! Only the most religious conservatives may, just may, do it.)

Sincerely Yours,

Mike

前辈辛苦了,刚发现这个帖子,我把打印下来了好好研究

我以前说过，你若是不知如何写一编文章，可以用 “改写”别人的文章来学习写作。这种“改写“是保持原作的资料及order of presentation. 你只是用别的字词来转换原有的字词。 虽然得出来的文章可能比原作差，但是作为一个写作练习的起点，这是个好方法。

虽然得出来的文章可能比原作差，但是作为一个写作练习的起点，这是个好方法

现在我用新东方印建坤考研写作经典范文10篇必背 第四篇 来做例子

On the Relationship between Environment and Economy

：原文 The two pictures above are both about the relationship between the environment and the economic development. In the first picture, GDP is on the rise while the environment is drastically polluted. In the second picture, economic efficiency progresses with environmental protection. It’s easy to get the conclusion that development according to the second picture is more reasonable than that in the first one.

改写/span>  The first picture shows what is happening between the environment and economic development: as the GDP rises, the environment deteriorates. The second picture shows the ideal case in which both improve at the same rate.

(Continued in the next message.)

 

：原文：In the early development of socialism, our country didn’t pay much attention to the issue of environmental protection and savored the bitterness. Now, the government has taken many measures and is implementing the strategy of “sustainable development”. One aspect of the strategy is to develop the economy and take measures to protect the environment at the same time. In this way, we can develop our country in a sustainable manner and our offspring can have enough resources to develop society. If we don’t put much emphasis on the environment issue and excavate the natural resources blindly, our country will become a barren land sooner or later.

改写/span>  When China switched over to socialism, environmental protection was on the back burner (i). Years later, we reaped the bitter fruit we had sown.  Our country has now awakened to the pressing problem of environmental degradation, and, in order to fulfill the dream of a sustainable development, is taking steps to reverse the damage. Without an economic and industrial growth free of environmental destruction, our children will inherit a bleak landscape of polluted air and water where no food can be harvested; hills stripped of trees; mines emptied of ore; and dried up oil and gas wells.

(i) Back burner=unimportant; something being ignored or neglected.

：原文：In a word, sustainable development is a reasonable strategy which should be implemented for a long time. The (ii) nature is providing us with plentiful resources generously, but it may punish us severely if we don’t care (for)(iii) her. 

(ii) & (iii) 可能是笔误 注 (ii) No "The" in nature: "nature"，not "the nature" when referring to 大自然。Next time you read a book or watch TV, watch out for it.  (iii) "for" is missing in the particular version I found on the web. It may just be a typo.

改写/span> 
                        Sustainable development is a prudent course to follow indefinitely. But it can only be done through the cooperation with, but not an exploitation(ii) of, nature. Mother nature is a generous provider, but if her generosity is abused, she would turn against us.

(ii) There are two very different meanings for Exploit and Exploitation: one good and one bad. In this case, “exploitation” means 榨取, 剥削 . Make sure you understand the two different meanings of exploit and exploitation and do not use them incorrectly.

Example: Good connotation: Sir Robert Burton’s African exploits are well known. (Sir Robert Burtons’s adventures, explorations and successes in Africa are well known.)

Bad connotation/font>  Exploitation of the poor working class was what led to the socialist revolution.

 

 Now is your turn. Try doing a rewrite of your own.

这绝对是个好方法。谢谢前辈！[em02][em02]

**我想把你们一些作文拿来改写。这并不是说我选来改写的文章是写得很烂，而是我借你的内容来用不同的表达方法再写出来。

我改写的时候 (1) 不跟正式学术方式：不引用出处及作者。(2) 不论我同意或不同意你的观点，只改写不变动观点。

   要是得你们同意， 才可以进行。 Opt out provision: 任何人不喜欢他/她 的作品用来改写，请留言(发 private message) 给我。 (No questions ask.)***

Dear All,

  I am thinking of using a few of your compositions as the basis for rewrites. This is not to say that the ones picked are badly written. Rather, I am just making use of your content and trying to rewrite them with different words and phrases, or to express your idea differently.

 Contrary to accepted academic procedures, which requires citing sources (place of origin, name of author etc), I will not do so for this case--except mentioning that someone else wrote the article.  Whether I agree with your views or not is immaterial. I will not alter your view point, but merely rewriting it in a different way.

   I need to have your tacit agreement before commencing. Of course, many people would not like their work used in any manner, shape or form, and I understand that. In that case, would you please leave me the simple message of "I would like to opt out from being picked for your rewriting project", and I will not use any of your essay.

Thank you for your consideration.

 

大家把改写的作文都发在这里吧.

**I have received permission to use someone's essay as a rewriting exercise.**

Note: What I do is not necessarily correct. I am not trained as an English teacher. I am just advancing my point of view based on my own writing experience (and one single post-secondary English composition course I took at U1 about 45 years ago.) So read it at your own risk.