很久没有来此参加修改作文运动。 逐字的修改很费时。 我现在想换个我的参与。
就是随意取一些“作文专贴”， 把它重写一次。

**这不是象我以前的“大改写”(学生作文改写练习 http://bbs.diandian.net/showtopic-57245.aspx)
而是尽量保留原文文字及内容。 又不费时去多解释。 让原作者自己留心去看原文与修
改重写两篇内的不同之处。

Unlike the 学生作文改写练习, here  引原文时不引作者名字，只在作者信息箱里留言。
我现在先修改重写三篇。 你们看看有用否。若是有用，我有空时可来此继续。

Please note: I am not an English expert. I make mistakes too.

原文
Should the University Campus Be Open to tourists

With the growth of higher education, an increasing number of top
universitiy campuses are descended on by a wealth of visitors, which
cover a host of folks from chinese to foreigner.
Different people hold different views on weather or not open top college
campuses to tourists. Some of these person argue that top college
campuses ought to admit visitors, while others take an opposite side.
Still others think there is none of their business.
I would argue that top university should offer a opportunity for some
social individuals. University campuses should not limited to college
students, some social people could fell a study and culture atmosphere
on campus,they would also get to know the history of top college across
the nation. I am convinced that these social people could extend their
horizon through visit top university campuses.

修改重写
Should University Campuses Be Opened to Tourists

  With the growth of higher education,(*) an increasing number of top
university campuses are descended upon by a host of visitors, Chinese
and foreigners alike.

(* Note 1: There is no connection between the growth of higher education
to increasing visits. Growth in higher education does not lead to
tourist visits.) Suggestion: With the tourist industry looking for more
and more interesting things to show their clients, an increasing...

  Different people hold different views on whether top college compuses
should be opened to tourists. Some of them argue that such campuses ought to
admit visitors, while others diagree. Still others think that it is none
of their business.

  I would argue that top universities should offer an opportunity for
selected individuals(*). Access to university campuses should not be
limited only to students, but also to those who can appreciate the
academic and cultural atmosphere of a campus. They will also get to know
the history of top colleges across the nation. I am convinced that
these people would expand their horizons through visits to top
university campuses.

(*) I have no idea what you mean by "social individuals."

Note 2: Things to note: (i) general reference: always plural. I love apples;
not I love apple. (ii) Make sure you know the difference between
Would/could/should.  I have written something in Diandian on that, but I no longer have the link to it.  I could not find a "search" function on this BBS.

肯定会有很大用处，多谢YETI。

原文
Everyone is eager for success. Take me as an example. Since my girlhood, I have longing for success. Today I am a university student, I still dying to gain success. In my eyes, there is a wealth of ways to get success. But the most important thing is persist and industry. If you can persist in you work and be diligent at you lessons you will be success. As modern society develops rapidly,competition is becoming increasingly. So we must put study on top of out agenda, and keeping pace with the times. We must consistently arm ourselves with new knowledge and skills. Success is nearly to us.

修改重写
Everyone is eager for success. Take me as an example. Since childhood, I have been longing for success. Now that I am a university student, I am still dying to achieve success. In my eyes, there is a litany of ways to achieve success, but wiith (correction. See floor 6) the most important being persistance and industry. If you persist in your work and are diligent in your studies, you will succeed. (end paragraph.)

(New paragraph) As modern society develops rapidly, competition is becoming increasingly fierce; therefore we must put studying on the top of our agenda while keeping pace with the times. We must consistently arm ourselves with new knowledge and skills. Only by doing so will  success be nearer/closer. (Only by doing so will success be within reach.)

"a litany of" 冗长的列举
You don't "get" success; you achieve it.

原文 It pays to be honest
Honesty is an aspect of reflect of your moral level which stands for your attitude for the society. However, the society is full of dishonest phenomenon. Nowadays, a wealth of conflicts take place as a result of one’s dishonesty. Lots of businessmen had lost customers’ trust; what contribute to his final failure. A student would never be spoken highly of if he practiced fraud while taking the test. To sum up, dishonesty will be bound to lead anyone into trouble.
Honesty will be your permanent treasure once you possess it. And it will benefit you for a life-time. What you should do is extremely simple: keep your words and never tell lies to anyone.
In my opinion if we all honest, the moral climate will span across the nation. If we Chinese are all fully aware of the importance of honesty, our nation including our moral level will be increasingly strong!

修改重写
Honesty is a reflection of your moral level and indicates what your attitude towards society is. However, society is full of dishonest incidents. Nowadays, dishonety gives rise to a mountain of conflicts. (Suggestion: use "our" instead of "your".) (end paragraph)

(New paragraph) Lots of businesses failed because they have lost the trust of their customers. A student would never be spoken highly of if he cheated in tests. To sum up, dishonesty will bound to lead anyone into trouble.
Honesty will be your permanent treasure once you possess it. And it will beefit your for a lifetime. What you need to do is extremely simple: keep your word and never tell a lie.
  In my opinion, if we are all honest, there will be a high moral climate across the nation. (Or better: In my opinion, the moral climate of the nation will rise if we are all honest.) If we Chinese are all fully aware of the importance of honesty, our nation and our moral level will become immeasurably stronger.
==

仔细看了几篇修改的作文，受益匪浅。

请问YETI老师，In my eyes, there is a litany of ways to achieve success, but the most important being persistance and industry 句中，the most important being persistance and industry 是否是特殊句型，因为它不像一个完整的句子。

You are right.  When I combined the two sentences and make "But the most important being...", I forgot to change  "but" to "with". I am going to make a note in the text so people will not be hurt by my oversight. Thanks for checking it over for me.

哈哈精读精读！谢谢爷爷！

Before, when I went through each essay line by line, I had to spend a lot of time to work out the changes. Now I just type a new paragraph as I go along.  I gained speed, but I lost detail and accuracy.  I am sure I am missing lots of things and dropping terms, words, or leaving the old, but wrong word in, when putting  sentences back together .

原文
Dear nick
  　　It couldn't better that i have received you had accepted into
MIT,which is the top university in the earth.When it comes to talking
about this,I am proud of your success.
  However,College life is different form the life of high school,(**incorrect comma split. Run-on sentence.) it has
a wealth of differences each other. To begin with,you will enjoy more
free time than high school.So you can select optinal course for
yourself,it could be expand your vision and open your eyes. Take myself
as an example,I select public-english.I think that if i have a good
commandof english, i will enjoy a compettive advantage over your peers
in job-seeking.But high school not.
  Simply put,If you wonder that how to succeed in your college life,you
should set a specific goal.In other word,you can take in optional course
according to what you heart desire.As the modern social develops,you had
better to gain a wealth of power.Then you will stand out from the crowd
in the days ahead.

修改重写
Dear Nick, (英语的标点符号是语法的一部分。)
 
It couldn't be better that I have received word of your having been accepted by/into M.I.T., the top university on Earth. I am proud of your success.
  However, college life is different from that of high school. There is a wealth of differences between the two. (end paragraph)

(New paragraph) To begin with, you will have more free time to enjoy yourself than in high school. (note 1) You can select optional courses (note 2) according to what your heart desires. To keep up with the rapid social development, you had better arm yourself with the needed skills to face the challenges of (the real world)/(tomorrow)  (note 3). Only then will you stand out from  the crowd in the days ahead.

Yours Truly, (comma is very important. "Yours," is only for close friends. Use  Yours sincerely, yours truly, can be used for almost any occasion.)
George.

(Note 1: "You can selection optional course(s)" is not a consequence of "more free time"; therefore the use of "so" is incorrect.)
(Note 2: general reference is always plural.)
(Note 3: "to gain a wealth of power" makes little sense, if any. Thus the change to "arm yourself...")

A letter to a company declining a job offer
原文
Dear Madam or Sir,                                May.30.2008
It is my pleasure that I was selected into your company. Thank you very much for giving me the opportunity to be a member in your team. But I am so sorry to tell you that I fail to take this amazing job.
Why I am not able to receive this job? Let me tell you. In the first place, my father is getting older and older so that he can not run his own corporation by himself. Now he has made a decision that he would put his place to me. I am only  son in my family,(incorrect comma split/run-on sentence. Add conjunction "and") I consider I am in possession of ability to evolve my family firm. Second, your company offers me a job on selling section. Therefore (logic error), I was major in administration when I studied in college. In my eyes, I prefer to be an administrator which seems the most appropriate occupation to me. Ultimately (wrong word!), (I have built a new household for a mouth, though enterprise is weigh important, I cannot depart my wife for along time for taking this splendid job.)->(need to rewrite) In my mind, the new family gives me much strength to overcome various of hardship.
I am sorry again for declining this job. From my perspective, your company gets an obvious advantage that it enjoys a host of human resources that they can make a huge contribution on the confirm developing. I wish your company will have a brilliant future.
Best regards,
                                              Yours
                                              Jimmy 

修改重写
  It is my pleasure for having been selected by your company. Thank you very much for giving me the opportunity in becoming a member of your team, but I must apologize for having to turn down your (delete: amazing)(note 1) offer.

  Why am I not accepting this job? (Note 2a)  ("Why am I" is to state a reason)/ Why can't I accept this job? (Note2b)  Allow me to explain (Note 3). (end of paragraph. Start new paragraph for the "explanation.)
  First (note 4), my father is getting older and older so he cannot (note 5) run his own corporation all by himself. Now he has made a decision that he would put/install me in his place. I am the only son in the family, and consider myself in possession of the ability to (evolve??? No idea what you have in mind. Let me make a guess) run the family business and move it forward. Second, your company offers me a position in Sales, but my major in college was administration. From my perspective, an administrative position would be more appropriate to my training. Finally, I have recently been married, and although a career is important, I cannot leave my wife alone for a lengthy period of time to take this job (delete "splendid".see note 1.) In my mind, my newly acquired family (note 6) gives me the strength to overcome various hardships. (end paragraph)
(new paragraph) I apologize again for declining this job. From my perspective, your company has an obvious advantage in that it enjoys a wealth(note 7) of human resources from which huge contributions to the development of the firm can be drawn. I wish your company a brilliant future.
Best regard,
Your truly,(comma) Note 8:
Jimmy.(period)


Note 1: Such superlatives are actually redundant)(in western cultures, people don't do that unless the offer is really amazing, such as offering you a salary 3 times more than what other people do) Moreover, you mentioned later that what you want is an administrative job, and not one in sales, so how can you call this offer "amazing"?
Note 2a:  "not able" imply some kind of physical difficulty)
Note 2b:  "Why can't I " expresses a willingless ->willingness (see floor 13) to accept but is prevented from accepting it because of other reasons.)
Note 3: "Let me tell you" is a rude statement; just as rude as "What do you want?" Take that out. If you want, use, "Allow me to explain.)
Note 4: Since you used "second" later on, you should use "first" here.
Note 5: the current usage of the negative of can, for the last 100 years, is "cannot". Occasionally you will see some native speakers make the mistake of spelling it as "can not". 新东方 is known to make that mistake all the time. 金山词霸's claim that cannot is "can not" in American English is incorrect. Dictionaries such as the Webster's definition of "cannot" as "can not" is just to mean that the meaning of "cannot" is "can not". Usage is what dictates how a word is use and spelled, and the usage of cannot is "cannot",and not "can not." I don't invent this. I was told this by an English teacher--an English lady--in high school, and was reminded again by English professors--in Canada. I also make a mental note of it every time I come across it in print.)("Can not", two words, is the rarely used emphatic form of cannot.)
Note 6: "your family"=you, your spouse and your children. "The family" in the first paragraph refers to you, your siblings, if any, and your parents. 
Note 7: "resources" goes with "wealth of". (Some people have been using "wealth of" incorrectly, but here is one case where "wealth of" is appropriate.)
Note 8: NOT YOURS!!!! Why are there so many Chinese students using "YOURS" for business letter?! It's crazy. Yours is an "intimate form" of addressing! You don't write to your boss signing "yours", or write to the president of China, signing off as "yours"!

原文
Traveling abroad
There are an increasing number of folks choosing to travel abroad in the last decade.(ambiguity)(Note 1) The chart shows that there only about 10,000 civilians prefer to going aboard in 1995. But in 2000, the number of traveler attains 36,000. What is more? Five years later, it is so incredible that more than 120,000 people go traveling aboard.
  Obviously, the number of people who traveling aboard in ten years was on the rise. In my eyes, there are several reasons to explain this phenomenon. To begin with, as our central and local government pushes efficient economic policy, the national economy maintains a good momentum of growth. Therefore, folks earn much money in hand so that they can take partly spare money to enjoy themselves such as traveling. Second, in 2001, china joins in WTO which is the global economic organization on earth. Consequently, china cooperates with other countries in economic field, so is the tourism industry. Last, more and more china men take a fancy to enjoy different culture which is distinct from our culture.
  From my point of view, more traveling means more open (??? Open to what???). On condition that a chinese goes aboard, more or less, she or he receives(??? In what way???) other countries’ culture and civilization. It broadens their (horizon in depth)=??. And also, they would take a more open eye to witness this fantasy(wrong word) world.

Note 1: This is known as "ambiguity". Is it "in the last decade more people are travelling abroad" or  they choose to travel abroad in the last decade. See below how the ambiguity can be circumvented.

Please note ** Abroad=overseas; aboard=on a ship; overboard=fallen off a ship
fantasy=imaginative or unrestricted fancy; fantastic=extravagent; unimaginable;increbile; fabulous.

修改重写
  In the last decade an increasing number of folks chose to travel abroad. (Note, if you intend to include "now" in the "last decade", use present perfect tense instead of past tense.) The chart shows that only about 10,000 people (I change civilians to people as I don't know what the chart shows. I do not know if the 10,000 are indeed just civilians, or they include everyone.) preferred going abroad in 1995. But by 2000, the number of travellers has reached 36,000. Why the increase? It is incredible to find that five years later, more than 120,000 were travelling abroad.
 
  Obviously, the number of people who is travelling abroad in the last ten years was on the rise. In my eyes, the pushing ahead of an efficient  economic poliicy by our central and local governments (plural: different levels of government) help fuel the momentum for growth. As a result, folks (are earning more money)/(have more money on hand) out of which they can spend on enjoying themselves in things such as travelling.
 
  Second, in 2001, China joined the WTO: the global economic organization.  (Global=earth) Consequently, China is cooperating with other countries economically, with the tourism industry being a part. Lastly, more and moe Chinese (Note 1) are taking a facny to enjoying different cultures (plural!!!) that are distinct from ours.

  From my point of view, more travelling means becoming more opened to the  outside world. (I am making a guess here since "means more open" is incomplete.) When a Chinese goes abroad, she or he will absorb a large or small amount of the culture and civilization of those countries. That will broaden their horizons and give depth to their visions. It will also open their eyes wider to witness this fantastic world.

Note 1: (Never, never, use China men because it is associated with the old word "Chinaman", a derogatory and insulting word used in the early days in the west. If you want to talk about the "men" of China, use Chinese men.)

Dear Yeti,

Nice and detailed revisions.

By the way,  #5>>note 2b : "willingless" may be "willingness", and  the LONGMAN Dictionary of Contemporary English said it's uncountable; I'm not sure at this point.

  It's spelled completely wrong! Should be willingness.

Yeti老师：十分感谢您及其仔细的批改，看完之后让我觉得自己的作文比之前地道多了，而且也没想到自己的错误会这么多，真希望还有机会让您修改我的作文。

(From a very old essay posted on this board. )
原文
Waste on Campus
I would like to draw your attention to a phenomenon that there are increasingly serious of waste in some
uinvercity.Most student,in the day time,didn't know how to cherish the beatiful time they owned.
  It is known that wastes have a fistful of nagative impacts,which we have to go far away.Following I'll take the  two most aspects.First,the situation (**"the situation" is undefined.**) will become more seriously if we wast the resoures like water,food,petroleum ,etc,which are inadequate currently.Everyone knows those above are unreproductable resources and if we don't make good use of them thouse will be disappear gradually.(**Note: whether you "make good use of them" or not, they will still disappear gradually.) Second,waste is a bad habit for students themselves that it may plenty of nagative infulences on their road in the future.
  We are the students in the 21th century who have so many responsibilities.Moreover we will play an important role in the society over the years.So,on balance (?! Why on balance. You have only mentioned the negatives, so there is nothing to "balance" your "on balance"),the bad habit-waste must be abandoned as soon as possible.

Comments: (i) There is no relationship between "don't know how to cherish the good time they have" with the rest of the essay. (ii) The essay starts off with "serious problem of wasting in some universities", but does not follow that through with examples, comments, or suggestions as to how to curb those problems. In short, the essay is incoherent. It is a collection of independent ideas thrown, but not tied together.

修改重写 (keeping as many of the original words and phrases as possible.)
  I would like to draw your attention to the increasingly serious problem of wasting in some universities (where)/(in which) many students don't know how to cherish the wonderful/good time they have.

  It is known that wasting has a fistful of negative consequences from which we must distant ourselves. In the following I will talk about two of the more important aspects. (end paragraph)

(New paragraph) First, our current economic status and standard of living will degraded rapidly and seriously if we (continue)/(are to continue) to waste the already inadequate resources such as water, food and crude oil. (Notes 1 and 2) Everyone knows they are either irreplaceable or non-renewable, and if we don't use them efficiently and effectively, they will (be depleted)/(run out) at the blink of an eye. Second, wasting is a bad habit for students in that it has plenty of negative influences on their future behaviour as working and consuming members of society.

  We are students of the 21st century who have many responsibilities. We also have an important role to play in our society for many years to come. So it is imperative that we should (get rid)/(rid ourselves) of the bad habit of wasting as soon as possible. 

Note 1: My grammar teacher once told me not to use "etc" when using "such as". Use "and" with the last item under "such as." I don't know if that rule is still valid.

Note 2: Crude oil is the basic "resource" from which commodities such as petroleum (gasoline) and finished products such as plastics and other petrochemicals are refined or derived.

#8 It Pays to Be Honest
原文
Nowadays, growing prevalence of deception makes us awkward. There is an array of examples in the daily life. One of my classmates who is disadvantaged in her height found a medicine from radio. Although it was extremely expensive, she decided to do more part-time works to afford it. After taking all the medicines, she is not a bit higher than before. She was desperate and immersed in the grief. The dishonest phenomenon also can be found in most colleges, if not all. An array of students hire veterans to take exams, replacing themselves. And a sea of characters plagiarize other folks’ papers.
The medicine company which was required to pay back to all customers was exposed the truth by press. Those students who are dishonest in exams get the credit, but they don’t master the relevant knowledge and technology and will be in trouble when they step out of the Ivory tower.
Be honest is of benefit to not only others but also ourselves. It pays to be honest

修改重写 (keeping as many of the original words and phrases as possible.)
(Note: This is from an an essay posted at diandian. "Make us awkward" does not seem to be correct. However, I am leaving it as is as I do not know what the author intended that to mean.)

  Nowadays, the growing prevalence of deception is making us (awkward) (see note above). There is an array of examples of dishonesty perpetrated in every aspect of daily life. For example, one of my classmates with a height disadvantage heard of a remedy on the radio. Although it was extremely expensive, she decided to do more part-time work so she could afford it. After taking the medicine, she was not one bit taller than before. She was desperate and immersed herself in grief. (End paragraph.)

(New paragraph) Dishonesty can also be found in most colleges, if not all. A host of students hire ringers to write exams for them, and plagiarism runs rampant among college students.  Drug/pharmaceutical companies, when exposed of their fraud by the press, are usually required to refund/compensate their customers. Dishonest students who cheated in exams may get their credits, but they don't master the relevant knowledge and needed skills, and end up hurting themselves once they step out of the Ivory Tower.

  To be honest is beneficial not only to others, but to ourselves as well. It pays to be honest.

原文
Should One Expect a Reward When Doing a Good Deed
A public debate has risen as to the controversy one should expect a reward when doing a good deed.Some argue that we should,but others set forth a totally different argument about it.
    Those who prefer to expect a reward maintain that the reward which plays as a stimulus->incentive,will promote more people to do good deeds.Some folks may damage their own profits when doing good deed.Shoudn't they get a reward?If not,it is unfair for them.
    But others,{on the contrary, hold the opposite opinion.}=>(***saying the same thing twice.*** )They believe doing a good deed is to fulfill their spirits.Doing a good deed is a little case that everyone is supposed to do.If you do a good deed in the hope gaining some benefits,your intention was not pure.
    When it comes to me,I would like to say that we should nit hope to gain benefits when do a good deed.But if others strongly want you ti accept the reward which is on the behalf of his->(their==>others-their) gratitude,you can gain the reward,if not,he will not delighted.On the whole,I think the intention to do a good deed must be right,while whether to gain benefits it not worthwhile to talk about.
===

修改重写 (keeping as many of the original words and phrases as possible.)
  A public debate has arisen (as to whether)/(on the controvesry over whether) one should expect a reward for doing a good deed.  Some argue that we should, while others argue that we should not. (parallelism: we should...vs. we should not.)

(prefer to expect =/= prefer the argument that we should expect)

Those who think we should, maintain that the reward is an incentive (that will encourage/prompt/induce)/(for encouraging/prompting/inducing)  more people to do good deeds. As some folks may incur financial damages while doing a good deed, they should (receive a reward)/(be compensated), shouldn't they? It not, it would be unfair to them.
 
    But others hold a contrary opinion. They believe that doing a good deed is spiritually fulfilling. Doing a good deed is something small that everyone is supposed to do. If you do a good deed solely for hoping to gain some benefits, your intention is not pure.

    When it comes to me, I would like to say that we should not hope to gain benefits when doing a good deed. But if people insist that you accept a reward as a token of their gratitude, you should go ahead and accept it;(semicolon) otherwise, they might be offended. On the whole, I think the intention for doing a good deed must be right, while the question of whether benefits will be gained is not worthy of discussion.

见到 传说中的 牛人了

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